I traveled twenty thousand kilometers before I realized the best journey is within. I could not have begun my spiritual journey had it not been for my constant need to escape the reality of my life. That desire was stronger than the fear of the unknown.
When I left New Zealand I didn’t know what I was running from or who I was becoming. I was a ‘bonehead’, someone living below their potential.
Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs were the tools I used to suppress my anger. This self-infliction symbolized my zero love and self-respect. I loved anarchy. I hated any authority. I had no idea why.
In 1982 I was twenty, had $800 and was scared shitless about leaving New Zealand and the people who had nurtured me. I had told my friends I was going and pride prevented me from breaking my word. At the airport my father said "You know if you get into trouble, you’re on your own". Harsh but wise words and not what I expected him to say.
I had felt alone for a long time as my other siblings left home when I was fourteen. I was used to escaping within myself and escaping in other ways. It was my way of dealing with the frustration of not being heard. When I did express my feelings they were perceived by my parents as answering back and I was punished ‘for your own good’.
I learned to cry quickly to stop the physical pain. This wasn’t as anguishing as my frustration and wounded pride. I took pleasure in slamming my bedroom door and entering a safe haven by emotionally escaping into comics and books.
Not long ago, while smoking a joint, I realized I was experiencing the same safety bubble. Anything could happen and I would feel OK. My visual world came alive and I slipped into a reality where I was my own best friend. The marijuana was my trigger to that place. I had found the link to why this felt like an antidote from reality. I don’t believe the herb is physically addictive but it was psychologically addictive for me. It helped me access a memory comfortable numbness.
If other intoxicants such as shopping, control, sex, working or television had mimicked that feeling, I could easily have chosen one of them as my habit instead.
It is important that people understand why they choose their addictions and where they come from, so they can let them go.
My most intense periods of change have been whilst participating in workshop situations where intoxicants were banned. Without drugs to suppress emotions the only way out is through.
After fifteen years of smoking grass nearly every day I have chosen to stop. It is time to grow again and to stop deluding myself with the illusion of joy.
For me addictions were about lack of self-respect, not living to my potential and giving my power away. Giving them up was easier when I realized this. It takes the heart to make the choice and cooperation with the mind to decide to let the addictions go. Wanting to give up was not enough, it’s admirable but without action is weak. I needed to give up for myself, not for someone else. It wasn’t about resisting my habit, as this can cause persistence. It is about doing something else.

This, like every problem, is about loving ourselves more. We have to be able to accept ourselves before we can really accept and love another. Self-destructive behaviour affects not only ourselves but all our relationships. Whenever we release an addiction or other negative habit the reflected light inspires many.
I found journal writing a necessary part of personal growth. It helped me clarify any confusing feeling and I felt safe about expressing them. Also, I found it necessary to inform those in my close community of my change, otherwise they related to me in the way they know, which was usually in an old pattern. Recreating myself with these people gave me room to be the fresh, new spirit I found myself to be.
This gave them a chance to grow too. Once you know "the truth will set you free" others may benefit when you share your insights. In stating my boundaries I gave others a chance to witness the process and say how they wanted to be treated. Set boundaries of personal respect by limitation or invitation. Usually it is family and loved ones who breach the boundaries.
I lived a superficial life, one of seeking pleasure and escape from pain. I moved to Brisbane and sold dodgy painting door to door, pretending to be the artist. Then I sold I ice cream from a
Mr Yummy van in the suburbs. Finally, I sold vacuum cleaners which were so expensive I eventually talked customers out of buying them because I knew the financial commitment would strain their relationships.
The people I worked with were only money motivated and though I owned every electrical appliance invented, I know there was more to life. At 24 I gave up financial security, the dream of a BMW, my own distributorship and retiring at thirty and traveled around Australia.
The more things you want the more you have to work, whereas if you want little then there is more time for play. I chose to follow my heart and ending up designing the perfect life of travel, art photography and the exploration of who I was and knew that if I was passionate then I would be supported.
At this time I was disillusioned by my inability to control my mind from the distraction of sexual thoughts and was disgusted by my recognition of this reflected in the men I was meeting. While I understood animalistic nature I was amazed at what my mind would throw at me. Having been unfaithful many times in my first relationship I decided to turn off my sexual desire and become celibate for a year. If I was going to love this species called women I wanted to know what made them tick.
When women realized that I wasn’t a sexual threat they opened up quickly and I felt like I was included in some special club. I learned to listen and felt quite high that I was experimenting with a new way of being. I was growing as a person by making choices rather than coming from an old recording of who I though I was. It is important to understand that we all have sexual desire but that we do not have to act on every impulse. If you have ever been manipulative over sexuality issues I would recommend celibacy.
My journey continued and while I was in Tasmania I left my car for repair in Melbourne. I was planning to steal back my car from the garage and hid my backpack while I planned the theft. I couldn’t do it and returned to find I was robbed of my cameras, passport and backpack. I hitchhiked to Alice Springs and painted buildings in the 45 degree heat.