Fortunately I chose traveling as one of my forms of escape, this has allowed me to go where I am guided. Sometimes I haven’t followed my feelings but dismissed them as illogical and continued in a stubborn way, and life then seemed disjointed for a while. Things went wrong. It felt like I was delayed or derailed, as if I had missed an opportunity, a connection and the flow had stopped. It would take a while for another miracle to follow.
When I allow myself to be guided, miracles come in a never ending stream. So many people refer to miracles as if they were created by some other entity, but we create our own when we are in harmony with heart, mind, body and spirit.
I do not question why miracles happen, but rather why they are not happening.
When you travel alone you give the universe a chance to guide you, to feel where you’re supposed to be or who you’re supposed to meet and the messages that are to be shared. It’s the intuitive feeling of being in the right place at the right time, that you’ve been led to a specific point on the planet with a chance to discover who you really are and why you are here.
I borrowed some money and decided to return to India to explore its gifts in a new light. India’s biggest gift is one of acceptance. You must practice this to be able to stop yourself from spontaneously combusting because India pushes all your buttons. The lessons never cease. You complete one then moments later you are being tested again. So much is happening that you cannot drift into the future or past for long before something occurs to bring you back to the present. The amount of growth one can experience in six months in India can be equal to six years in the west. Of course, personal examination and awareness help enormously.
After seven trips there and another planned next year I can definitely say it is my favorite country. I am constantly questioning my belief system there, something western society doesn’t stimulate in me.
I have not bothered to seek answers from gurus but have relied upon looking within for the truth, which is where true change begins.
Gurus, priest, prophets and books may contain many answers on any quest but they not necessarily be your truth. Many people become dependent on others as their source of wisdom without acknowledging their own higher self. However, it is possible that in following another’s wisdom you create the space for your own truths to arise. People have always searched for answers. Maybe they haven’t been asking the right questions or listening with enough attention. Many people, like myself, have found insights through experimentation with drugs because of the altered state of consciousness that is induced.
This is witnessed in two distinct types of sadhus in India. A sadhu is a renunciate who, with few possessions, chooses a life of wandering, seeking enlightenment through experience, yoga and meditation. One type uses drugs, the other does not. Some Sadhus see smoking hashish as a way of cheating to attain alternative states without discipline.
The danger is getting caught up in wanting taste after taste and relying on drugs as the vehicle for enlightenment. I fell into this trap. Extended drug use restricts growth and evolution past a certain point. Continued use tends to make you paranoid, lethargic, slow and stupid.
Taken occasionally and in moderation it is possible to avoid dependence and addiction. Unfortunately many of us end up taking more the following day to disguise the feelings of our bodies trying to detoxify. Smokers and caffeine addicts know this feeling and it easily creates addiction.

Most psycho-active drugs, in moderation, can take us to a different reality and offer opportunities to learn or create. What we do with these experiences and how we relate to all others we meet is a good test of how the soul is evolving.
The evolution of the soul was the immediate tangent of discussion with Hannah, a native Californian I met at a party in the Napa Valley. A series of coincidences led us to meeting on the planet at that time. We married in Kathmandu for five rupees and moved to New Zealand to explore a life of growth together.
We shared many wonderful times and created a scenario where we depended on each other in an unspoken way. I did the practical survival things like the building, maintenance and driving of the bus we lived and traveled in. We loved to discuss and intellectualize the process of growth from which some of the quotes emerged and we both evolved through our honesty and relationship. The development of dependency gave me security from my biggest fear, losing her, which ultimately happened. My fear losing her held me back from ultimately loving her.
It is not surprising that animals can sense fear and love, yet we ask our partners to only see our love and disregard our fears as irrational. As we create them, they are real.
We are beings with incredible power. What we imagine, can become reality. When we have a thought, no matter how wonderful, scary or irrational it is, if we hold that thought we create it as a possibility in the universe.
One day, while reading quotes, I came across one from the biggest drug of all, television, and it changed my life drastically. It was from L.A. Law.
"If you can’t receive, then giving becomes manipulation."
When I read it I reacted suddenly by casting it out as valueless, but I later came back and questioned why I was so quick to dismiss it.
I never saw myself as having trouble receiving. It seemed that what I wanted was more love and attention and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting that when I was giving so much. Maybe I didn’t need more love, just to receive what was already there.
I actually became physically, emotionally and spiritually drained by the process. If I was truly giving without wanting anything back, I would not have been drained. I deceived myself that it was unconditional love but it wasn’t. What comes out of unconditional love is a never-ending supply and it is pure; no strings attached.
Feeling I was unworthy of love came from my childhood. How could I feel worthy when I had resented my parents and the way they disciplined me? The process must be embraced before it can be understood and released.
Hannah and I did a Tantra workshop, hoping a more spiritual sexual union would emerge but this brought up more issues of co-dependency. Hannah’s process led her in a new direction. She insisted I let her go and to symbolize the change she shaved her head. Soon after we separated.
The act of love is wanting to nurture the spiritual growth of another so much that it can even mean sacrificing your attachment to that relationship, which can ultimately lead to separation.